No awkward lesbian experiences without me
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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