she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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