i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
