two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize