there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
