Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
