this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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