I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
