Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
