dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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