She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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