I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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