remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Randomize
