God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
