I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
