we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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