anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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