when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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