her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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