Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
