Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
