rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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