so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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