It's like God shit irony all over that family
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
