Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
