i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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