Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
