Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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