she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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