He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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