Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
