Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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