i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
