Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
