She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
