How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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