There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
