i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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