You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
