Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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