You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
