I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
