I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
