I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize