I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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