hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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