I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Randomize
