My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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