plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
