my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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