if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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