ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
