I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
