I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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