Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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