He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
