Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Randomize
