There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
